Growing up I did all the things one is supposed to do. I was a good kid; I did my chores, got good grades in school, played sports and stayed active in my community. It was continually explained that this and college would make me successful and accomplished and therefore happy. I believed it because it was what I knew, but I was confused because it didn’t seem to be working. While I was content enough I felt lost and overwhelmed. Surrounded by friends I felt lonely and out of place. While getting straight A’s in school I knew I was lacking and something was surely missing from my life. I looked to older friends, parents and teachers for the answers- but they had very little to say. When I graduated- a paragon of what the school system could accomplish- I gave a speech that was quite unexpected, even by myself. I expressed a deep concern, almost fear, for my future. I felt trepidation for how to proceed and where I was headed with this philosophy of life. I told my whole school and faculty that I was not, and had not, been prepared for the future that they were sending me into and I gave a call for help.
The help never came. Not from my teachers at least, or the parents and adults that I had looked up to my whole life to guide me on a path that would make sense. They praised my speech and told me I had a bright future. They shook my hand and said they couldn’t wait to see what I would do next. I wanted to yell- “weren’t you listening, didn’t you hear what I said.” But on some level this was all I had expected anyways and so I just stood there and smiled. I thanked them for their wishes and realized that they don’t have the answers any more than I did. I resigned myself to confusion and defeat. Perhaps this was all there was- simply going through life, one foot in front of the other. Counting your accomplishments and nailing them to the wall for all to see.
Somewhere deep inside though I didn’t give up. Because I couldn’t. My life felt lacking. I was missing something crucial- something that would make all of this chaos inside me make sense. Because despite a loving family, friends, safety and security I experienced a deep feeling of fear and not belonging. I had a hole in my chest that I just couldn’t fill up- not with friends, or parties or all the pretty things. There was something else that I was longing for- someone else.
So, when I first heard Jagad Guru Siddhaswarupananda speak I knew I had found someone unique, someone who actually knew the answers. It was as though he was speaking directly to my troubles and concerns. He was answering all the questions that had been building in my mind for years and he was so direct and clear. He spoke to me about the need for real love in my life, for the necessity of understanding who I really was and about the purpose of life. He gave me answers that no one else in my life had even been able to touch upon. And he gave them with such love and caring that I couldn’t stop listening. I realized that I was not alone. The anxiety and stress that I had felt due to confusion slowly lifted and I felt a renewed understanding and purpose. I felt complete and whole. I learned from him about Mantra Meditation and I took what I was told to heart. I began to practice daily and I experienced a feeling of real security, happiness and contentment that I had never before felt. I realized that while many didn’t have the answers any more than I did, he was not one of those people. He had the answers and he was freely distributing them to anyone who chose to listen. I am still listening and I am eternally grateful.